A New Song

I'll just throw it out there...life is hard right now.  Never have I felt so heartbroken and been so distrusting of the Lord's goodness.  For some reason, I can hope confidently on behalf of others, but when it comes to my life, I have a hard time believing that the Lord knows what He's doing.  I've repeatedly presented the Lord with what I see as perfectly good options for my life, but He apparently wants nothing to do with my plans.  I've been the persistent widow.  I've been the watchman on the wall, giving the Lord no rest.  I've been the clenched fist pounding on God's door, demanding that He answer.  And I've been the lame man lying on a mat, watching others jump into the healing pool and waiting, waiting, waiting for my turn.

In the midst of the begging, the watching, the knocking, and the waiting, I have struggled to shelter my heart from the sting of loneliness and longing by staying exhaustingly busy and avoiding all forms of media with any hint of a romantic story line.  This hedge of protection limits me to a frustratingly narrow selection of entertainment at Half Price, Redbox, Netflix, and Pandora.  Even more frustrating is the fact that with these strict parameters place, I am still frequently caught off guard by a ballad that sneaks its way into the Bethany Dillon station and tugs at my heart with a strength that I can't fight.  Let it be known that anything written in 6/8 time is not for the weak.

For the past six months (or maybe more?) I've been the restless changer of channels, in constant pursuit of the lyrics that would finally drive home those truths that can't seem to find their way from my head to my heart.  I prayed over and over again for the Lord to bring me a song that would comfort and encourage and inspire me.  One that would convince me of the Lord's love for me and carry me into a deeper love for Him.  One that would speak hope into my pain.  One that would be a balm to my heart and a praise to the Lord.  I wanted a new song.

Tonight, God gave me exactly what I needed, and in keeping with His "My ways are higher than your ways" nature, He revealed to me that what I needed was quite different from what I wanted.  What I needed was not a new refrain but a remembrance of the choruses that were the soundtrack to my first steps with Him.  I needed to be led back to sleepovers in my friend Sarah's room where the lyrics to "Your Love, Oh Lord" were written in her perfect handwriting on a chalkboard door.  I needed to sit again in the safety of a dimly lit and tightly packed living room where the voices of my friends and classmates sang out "Great is Your Love."  I needed to rest in a sanctuary in Lubbock where the Lord spoke so powerfully to me through the simple lyrics of "Enough."  I needed to hear again the songs that stirred my heart for the Lord when the Lord was new to my heart.

Although I have never felt so heartbroken, I have also never felt so pursued by the Lord.  Tonight's throwback set of 90s worship music was just one testament to the Lord's very specific and personal love for me.  I know that He is fighting for His glory and my joy.  He is rescuing me from the foolishness that I count as wisdom and is demanding that my life be more than the sum of my selfish desires.  He is breaking my heart, but He is not abandoning it.  He is leading me on to run to Him.

Give me one pure and holy passion

Give me one magnificent obsession

Give me one glorious ambition for my life

To know and follow hard after you

To know and follow hard after you

To grow as your disciple in your truth

This world is empty, pale, and poor

Compared to knowing you, my Lord

Lead me on, and I will run after you

Lead me on, and I will run after you

- Pure and Holy Passion

  Mark Altrogge