Isaiah 55:8

God is God
And I am not
I can only see a part
Of the picture he's painting

God is God
And I am man
So I'll never understand it all
For only God is God

~ God is God
   Steven Curtis Chapman

Thank you, SCC, for a hard truth...and a super cheesy melody.

A New Song

I'll just throw it out there...life is hard right now.  Never have I felt so heartbroken and been so distrusting of the Lord's goodness.  For some reason, I can hope confidently on behalf of others, but when it comes to my life, I have a hard time believing that the Lord knows what He's doing.  I've repeatedly presented the Lord with what I see as perfectly good options for my life, but He apparently wants nothing to do with my plans.  I've been the persistent widow.  I've been the watchman on the wall, giving the Lord no rest.  I've been the clenched fist pounding on God's door, demanding that He answer.  And I've been the lame man lying on a mat, watching others jump into the healing pool and waiting, waiting, waiting for my turn.

In the midst of the begging, the watching, the knocking, and the waiting, I have struggled to shelter my heart from the sting of loneliness and longing by staying exhaustingly busy and avoiding all forms of media with any hint of a romantic story line.  This hedge of protection limits me to a frustratingly narrow selection of entertainment at Half Price, Redbox, Netflix, and Pandora.  Even more frustrating is the fact that with these strict parameters place, I am still frequently caught off guard by a ballad that sneaks its way into the Bethany Dillon station and tugs at my heart with a strength that I can't fight.  Let it be known that anything written in 6/8 time is not for the weak.

For the past six months (or maybe more?) I've been the restless changer of channels, in constant pursuit of the lyrics that would finally drive home those truths that can't seem to find their way from my head to my heart.  I prayed over and over again for the Lord to bring me a song that would comfort and encourage and inspire me.  One that would convince me of the Lord's love for me and carry me into a deeper love for Him.  One that would speak hope into my pain.  One that would be a balm to my heart and a praise to the Lord.  I wanted a new song.

Tonight, God gave me exactly what I needed, and in keeping with His "My ways are higher than your ways" nature, He revealed to me that what I needed was quite different from what I wanted.  What I needed was not a new refrain but a remembrance of the choruses that were the soundtrack to my first steps with Him.  I needed to be led back to sleepovers in my friend Sarah's room where the lyrics to "Your Love, Oh Lord" were written in her perfect handwriting on a chalkboard door.  I needed to sit again in the safety of a dimly lit and tightly packed living room where the voices of my friends and classmates sang out "Great is Your Love."  I needed to rest in a sanctuary in Lubbock where the Lord spoke so powerfully to me through the simple lyrics of "Enough."  I needed to hear again the songs that stirred my heart for the Lord when the Lord was new to my heart.

Although I have never felt so heartbroken, I have also never felt so pursued by the Lord.  Tonight's throwback set of 90s worship music was just one testament to the Lord's very specific and personal love for me.  I know that He is fighting for His glory and my joy.  He is rescuing me from the foolishness that I count as wisdom and is demanding that my life be more than the sum of my selfish desires.  He is breaking my heart, but He is not abandoning it.  He is leading me on to run to Him.

Give me one pure and holy passion

Give me one magnificent obsession

Give me one glorious ambition for my life

To know and follow hard after you

To know and follow hard after you

To grow as your disciple in your truth

This world is empty, pale, and poor

Compared to knowing you, my Lord

Lead me on, and I will run after you

Lead me on, and I will run after you

- Pure and Holy Passion

  Mark Altrogge

Taste of Dallas

So, my friend Rachel and I have spent quite a bit of quality time together this weekend.  On Friday, we hit the dance floor at Red River, where I got my two-step fix...followed by my "breakfast for dinner" fix at Cafe Brazil!  I must say, French toast tastes quite divine at two in the morning!  After a few hours of sleep, we navigated the DART and found our way to Fair Park for a little taste of everything Dallas has to offer - chicken, tomato basil salad, crawfish pizza, cheesecake, gelato...and of course, fifteen free rolls of Mentos (as advertised above).  What better thing to hand out at a tasting event than a fresh maker?!  And this morning, after churching, Rachel and I met for an early showing of Safety Not Guaranteed.  It's not exactly kid friendly, but I did laugh out loud a time or twelve, and I may or may not have a less than small crush on Jake Johnson.  Anyhoo...I think you can see from the picture above that my weekend was totally rad.  Thanks, Rach, for some much needed summer fun in the city!

Big Spender

I acquired this today!

And this!

...and I'm pretty sure they had the same price tag.  Here's to beautiful summer days on the water and a free drink for every fifteen "iced tall decaf Americano with soy and extra ice in a grande cup"s!

One of those days...

Have you ever had one of those days when you get some less than awesome news followed by some less than awesome news?  And then a bird poops on your head?

As you might imagine, it is less than awesome...and slightly disgusting.

If you're a praying guy or gal, feel free to send some words up on my behalf.  I need to somehow figure out a way to pay my bills, have insurance, complete my internship requirements, and stay somewhat sane next year.

Gracias from yours truly!

The Spirit and the Letter

During one period of the day, my students have had a very difficult time getting along.  They point fingers at each other and begin so-called "friendly" comments with phrases such as, "Now I'm only going to say this once, so listen, and listen good!"  It's been Tension Island for the past three weeks, so I decided to call a time out and incorporate some team and esteem building activities.  One activity was the Compliment Question Card.  Each student wrote his or her name on the front of a card.  Then, we passed the cards in a circle so that each student had the opportunity to write one compliment and one "what I still want to know about you" question inside all of his or her classmates' cards.  Overall, they did a pretty great job of focusing on the positive and showing an interest in one another's lives.  And one student in particular followed all directions and still managed to break the spirit of the assignment when she wrote, "Kevin, I like it when you're quiet.  How long do you think that will last?"

give and take

All I want is love
I confess to this
And I will take it, Lord
All you have to give

"Give"
Third Day

running in place

I lied to Layla today.  On my way out the door, I told her I wouldn't be long at the gym.  Well, guess what. I was long at the gym.  I was three times as long as I thought I would be.  Two miles turned into six.  It may have been the guy two treadmills down who was pounding out his own record.  Or the guy hovering behind the machines and standing close to mine thinking that because I was the only girl, surely I would be the first to hop off (wrong, dude!).  Or it may have been the thought of the two brownies I ate today.  Whatever it was, it worked.  Yea for surprise victories!

P.S. I kind of can't feel my left leg.  A small price to pay.

My Heart

Thank you, Katie for introducing me to my new favorite website and for always pointing me back to my old favorite love.  Here's to many more nights of good conversation with a pinwheeled princess and a not-so-ballady backup singer.  Love you, cuz!

Losing My Resolve

I haven't made New Year's resolutions since I was in high school because, let's face it, by March 1st I've already failed, and that's just no fun.  Today, my pastor repeated a phrase that he incorporates in A LOT of our sermons: God loves the you that you are now, not some future version of you.  And amen to that, because guess what...if I compare the me I am now to the me I was ten years ago, not a lot has changed, so I can't expect a lot to change in the next ten years.  I'm still going to fall short, lack faith, act unwisely, and choose lesser delights over the joy of pursuing the Lord.  So instead of pretending that I can solve this problem by writing down three personal goals each year until I have a halo floating over me, I think I'll start the new year with a prayer.

God,
You know my heart, and you know how difficult these last few months have been.  I thank you so much for not giving up on me...for not letting me be content with being far from you.  Thank you for redeeming these trials in my life and giving meaning and purpose to my pain.  I pray that you would continue to work in me and to increase my desire for you.  I pray that this year, you would move me to pursue you with everything I have...all of my energy, time, talents, thoughts, words, relationships...everything.  Lord, let me be disciplined and find delight in meeting with you.  Surround me with godly women who can encourage and challenge me to hold you higher than any other person or thing in my life.  Show me opportunities to minister to others, and then give me the boldness and humility to be obedient in those opportunities.  Lord, destroy my selfishness and reveal to me the areas of my life that I refuse to give to you.  Open my hand and remind me that all that I have is a blessing from you; it is not mine to hold.  God, I thank you for your sovereignty, and I pray that as I plead with you for the desires of my heart, you would help me to ask with expectation and with a humble understanding that your ways are not my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts.  Lord, I pray that you would restore hope to me this year, even if my prayers aren't answered in the next 366 days.  God, I thank you for remaining faithful even when I am faithless.  I pray that this year, my eyes would be opened to your faithfulness, and my heart would be captivated by your very personal and deliberate love for me.  Thank you for listening to my prayers, and I pray all of these things in Jesus' name.
Amen.

Now That's the Thing To Which I'm Referring

Here are a few shout outs to my favorite members of the Kelley clan, with whom I celebrated a very merry Christmas!

To Todd, who personally requested a shout out: That accidental candy was the bomb dot com, so log on, and get it before it's gone!  Seriously, if you ever draw my name, box up some of that stuff and put a bow on it!  And if I ever draw your name, a lovely whisk-shaped head scratcher is headed your way...as long as you promise not to ever talk about it.

To Steve, who co-hosted the festivities with his lovely wife: Thank you for obliging us with several sentimental crying incidents.  I did know I was your favorite, but it's always good to hear it again.

To Vicki, the hostess with the mostest: Thank you, thank you for pointing me toward my future husband.  I'm sure Mr. Tebow will warm right up to our crazy family, so go ahead and set another place at the table for him next year!

To Zak, who learned after three grocery stops that Domaine Chandon is in fact, just Chandon: Here's to missing out on being an eyewitness to my "I dancing you?" adventures and to getting out of the car to stand in the rain and watch the live nativity scene as your older and wiser parents drove by and waved from the warmth and dryness of their vehicle.

To my cousin-ish Madison, who, on the anniversary of Jesus' birth, lied to a two-and-a-half-year-old girl about the status of her new iPhone: Way to contribute to the girls' victory over the guys in the "Guess what happened in 2001" version of Trivial Pursuit.  They couldn't have done it without us!

To Nathan, who I hardly talked to: I still think my FB post idea would have gotten more responses.  And hey, sorry I high-fived you when I thought you were leaving and you weren't.  Besties???

To Janet, who matched me bite for bite on the accidental candy: I'm super jealous that you live with the creator of this confection.  Do not take it for granted.  Also, don't take for granted a peaceful nap time!

To Brent, who called my dog Malorie: It's okay.  She doesn't answer to her real name either.  Especially when she may or may not have access to leftovers on the table.

Merry belated Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

clever critics

I was catching up on some grading tonight, and I came across a paper I couldn't resist sharing.  Let me preface this by saying that I teach Social Skills, so the topics we cover are a bit different than your typical Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic.  Last week, we talked about giving and receiving constructive criticism.  After practicing a bit as a group, I gave the following assignment:

On a sheet of paper, write three scenarios in which you would give someone constructive criticism.  Then, write what you would say.  Remember to include

·      something positive

·      what you would like the person to correct

·      a suggestion for improvement

And Riley* responded with...

1.    My history class is kinda slow on somedays.
"Mr. Griggs*, I really like this class over having powerpoint notes.  I would really like it if we could catch up with the other History classes by going through the notes fast so we can get to the test over the subjects."

2.    I can't think of any more scenarios.
“Ms. Howell, I really like this class over it's easy work.  Sometimes certain worksheets like this one can be really hard to think of more examples to constructive criticism.  I would really like if we didn't had to give 3 examples because I can't think of anymore to write."

…to which I responded…

“Riley, you are very creative, but you need to complete your assignment.  I suggest you use your creativity to think of one more example.”

*Names changed to protect…well, to protect me from getting fired. J

Fast Forward

Can it please be December 17th already?  Between work, grad school, and the real reason I'm less than jolly, I could really use a break.  I would make a paper chain to count down the days, but even just 12 links looks intimidating.  I guess I'll settle for a few hours of sleep and a do-over tomorrow.

Letters to strangers, dogs, and friends

Dear Tim Tebow,
My cousin and his wife seem to think we should meet.  I've heard a lot about you from sports-crazed guys who have self-proclaimed "man crushes" on you.  Also, you have an autobiography out...in case you didn't know.  I read part of a chapter (that's as much as you can get away with when the Lifeway lady is smiling questionably at you, and you don't actually intend to buy the book), and guess what?!  We both went on mission trips to the Philippines!  Cool, huh?!  Another thing we have in common is that we both pray.  I don't do much praying on a football field, though.  In fact, I would say that a handful of my prayers have been requests for whatever plays will make the clock run down so I can get away from the stadium and back to the things I love.  Like, um, you know, things that make me sound super interesting...I'll let you decide what those things are.  Anyway, if you read this and think, "Wow, I should call that girl!" then please do.  I don't want to be too forward and give you my number right here in front of everyone, but if you leave a comment, I'll send some digits your way.
Sincerely,
The Future Mrs. 15 (Is that too much?  Wait, is that even your number?)

Dear Layla,
Thank you for being an awesome dog and selecting the best places to take care of business.  I am especially grateful for yesterday's duty, when you popped a squat approximately 2.5 inches away from shirtless, just-woke-up man who was standing on his porch enjoying a cigarette.  It was not at all awkward to avoid eye contact with said shirtless, groggy man while we both waited for you to finish your masterpiece.  Not awkward at all.
Sincerely,
Your ever-so-humble Pooper Scooper

Dear Shirtless, Just-woke-up Guy,
Thank you for playing along and pretending not to notice that my dog was decorating your porch.  I appreciate your patience and your feigned ignorance.  Maybe next time, you could walk around a bit inside your house so as not to give away the obvious truth that you were well aware of my four-legged friend's activities.  Just a thought.
Sincerely,
That girl who pretended not to see you

Dear Rude Man in the Hallway,
Thank you for yelling very loudly at the sweet girl next door that she needs to keep her dog quiet because it disturbs her neighbors.  I really appreciate that you care so much about the noise level on our floor that you are willing to yell profanities from one end of the hall to the other.  Thanks to your efforts, I'm sure our hallway will be much more peaceful.  Well done, rude man.  Well done.
Sincerely,
That eye that was staring at you through the peep hole

Dear Mr. Server Guy at Cafe Express,
Thank you for not asking me why ordering a cup of soup would make me cry.  And thank you for not staring at me like the cashier next to you.  Also, thank you for not putting a limit on how many packages of breadsticks or cups of garbanzo beans I can take home with me...because I'm pretty sure I would have exceeded even the most generous of limits by about 47.
Sincerely,
To-go order number 4723
P.S. I think you should check your register login...I'm pretty sure you're not Kathleen.

Dear Ashley and Jessica,
Thank you for allowing me to bogart 80% of our conversations, steal away significant chunks of your time, and eat the most sugar-laden contents of your pantry and fridge.  I don't think you realize how much pancakes and good friends mean to me.  I've had a rough few weeks (months???), and you have been incredibly gracious and patient with me.  So thank you, thank you from the bottom of this healing heart.
Sincerely,
Her again

Dear Jesus,
I don't talk to you much, but I know your dad pretty well.  I just want to thank you for knowing what I'm going through and for not thinking that I'm overreacting to anything.  Thank you for walking in loneliness and heartache and for declaring victory over its hold in my life.  Thank you for demonstrating obedience in suffering and for not rescuing yourself out of situations that I would have to face one day.  Thank you for a love that I do not understand and a patience that accepts me in my ignorance.  Thank you for knowing me well and loving me still.
Sincerely,
A girl who is not forgotten

let us give thanks...and pray

I was informed last week that I am in charge of coordinating our department-sponsored Thanksgiving Feast for over 100 guests.  All of the food is to be purchased and prepared by my students, so tomorrow, I'm taking twenty rowdy teens to the grocery store to pick up a few (hundred) items, which I then get to cram into our tiny shared fridge where it will remain until Monday, when, let's face it, all h-e-double-hockey-sticks breaks loose.  Keep in mind that at my family Thanksgiving dinners, I am in charge of rolls (the already baked, store-bought kind) for a reason.  Please say a prayer for me and for the health of anyone brave enough to eat the food prepared by twenty kids who have to revisit the hygiene checklist on a frequent basis, and me, Miss Three-Kitchen-Fires-And-Counting Howell.

Amen and Hallelujah

These songs are on repeat in my head...

Amen
Amen
With the dawn we all begin again
Amen
Amen
For what is done and yet to come
Amen
~ Dave Barnes

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah
~Bethany Dillon

If you want the read deal, you can check them out at the following links.  Not a huge fan of the slideshows (someone really likes horses), but the music is still divine!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8v5sZ4aaec
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-W7Md6mv74

Happy listening!

the weird kind

Today, when I was talking with one of my students, he told me that he liked only two of his teachers in high school.  He then proceeded to expound on all of the faults of the teachers who didn't make the cut.  Knowing I was playing with fire (this is the same kid who told me last year that he was going to recommend me to be on What Not to Wear so I could get rid of all of my tomboy clothes), I asked him what he would say about me after he graduated.  And without much hesitation, he replied, "Miss Howell has a lot of energy.  But it's the weird kind."

I'm not sure what that means exactly, but I'm pretty sure the patrons at Red River or Wild West or any wedding I have ever attended might say the same.

Keep talking, whoa keep talkin'!

My aunt was kind enough to accept my self-invite to her house, so off I went this morning with my laptop and my hyper dog in tow.  I intended to take advantage of some good ol' family wisdom and encouragement (and chicken salad) before hittin' the books and the keyboard.  But my lack of willpower had something else in mind.  Something like a day with my cousin Tatum.  First, she defeated me in "Just Dance."  I should have seen my fate when the Wii selected our character names and dubbed me "Poopy" and her "Sunny."  After cutting a rug (the very one that Layla had marked as her own within five minutes of bounding in the door), Tatum and I enjoyed a healthy snack of Doritos and some of Nick Jr.'s most educational programs.  Is iCarly's targeted audience 29-year-old females...because I definitely laughed out loud more than once.  Before the day was over, I had co-baked (and co-dented) some fabulous brownies, harmonized to some of Sandy and Danny's greatest hits, played Layla's favorite game of "catch-me-if-you-can-as-I-leap-over-couches," and added exactly one very poorly organized run-on sentence to my paper (and another to my blog).  Here's to you, Tatum, and the fun you bring to a Saturday afternoon!

Psalm 34:18

Today one of my students told me I looked different.  When I made the mistake of asking, "How?" he replied, "Your face looks worse."

I can't say that I disagree.  Actually, I was kind of impressed that he noticed.  That's a pretty important social skill.  Although maybe we need to work more on the "'Say it' or 'Think it'" game.  That one's definitely a "think it," much like another comment one of my other students made in the middle of class: "Man, my stomach hurts!  All this gas!"

Thank goodness my cousin and her husband welcomed me into their home tonight and provided an impromptu dance party to all "the ja-ams" of the nineties.  It's really hard to have a pity party while prancing (I think that's what you would call it) around to some Gangsta's Paradise.  A big thank you to Katie, DJ Smith, a sweet little raggedy clown scarecrow, and Coolio.

Jesus, please take it from here...

shot in the dark

I tried a little something different with my hair today.  One of my more vocal students said to me, "Ms. Howell, I really like this new look you have.  Was your power out this morning?"  I can't decide if I was more offended or impressed by her unintentional wit.  Either way, it made me giggle...and glance in the mirror a time or two.

On another note, this evening, I accidentally took Layla to "Yappy Hour" at our apartment's dog park.  She stealthily swiped an entire bag of community milkbones off the table and, after devouring them, proceeded to bark at any dog that attempted to greet or play with her, including a giant dog that was wearing a tutu as a collar...as if Twinkle Paws' self-esteem wasn't already plummeting.