Could you not?

Could you not use crazy glue to attach the foil seal to the rim of the peanut butter jar? Who do you think is trying to break into those things anyway?!

Could you not play sappy love songs at the grocery store? Going to Kroger and trying to buy things in single portions is difficult enough as is; I don't need to be reminded that if I had a significant other, I could save some major cash and perhaps for once, the bread wouldn't go bad!

Could you not power walk behind me and wait for me to notice you before huffing by? There is a phrase for these occasions, and it goes a little something like this: "excuse me."

Could you not use the entire bottle of perfume in one giant douse? I know it was only three bucks at Wal-mart and smells just like the real thing, but that does not give you license to be gluttonous with it.

Could you not package hot dogs in eights and buns in sixes? I believe Steve Martin already demonstrated the madness that ensues when people automatically assume that hot dogs will always be consumed in multiples of 24.

Could you not play Red Red Wine on repeat? Believe it or not, there are other songs out there that can make you feel so fine and keep you rockin' all of the time.

Could you not ask me what I'm eating and then make a face when I tell you the answer? If it looks unappetizing to you, then why do want to know the name of it? Clearly it is not going to be on your grocery list!

Could you not flicker the lights to get everyone's attention? I mean, sure, you got our attention...and now we all kind of hate you. Your only saving grace is that you have probably damaged our eyes enough so that we will not recognize you, and even if we did, our depth perception would be so affected that none of our punches would land where intended.

Could you not lolligag in the parking lot when I'm clearly trying to park in the space where said lolligagging is occurring? On second thought, continue. I really like the word lolligag, and I'm not sure I'll have a reason to say it if you're not doing it. On third thought, I suppose it could be a win-win if you resist the urge to lolligag, and then I can say, "Hey, thanks! Way to not lolligag!"

Could you not have a cute little outdoor two-step lesson by the pond with your Barbie girlfriend while us single gals walk our dogs in the cold? We're tired, we're cranky, and we're not afraid to ask our precious pups to poop where your boot might land.