Isaiah 55:8

God is God
And I am not
I can only see a part
Of the picture he's painting

God is God
And I am man
So I'll never understand it all
For only God is God

~ God is God
   Steven Curtis Chapman

Thank you, SCC, for a hard truth...and a super cheesy melody.

A New Song

I'll just throw it out there...life is hard right now.  Never have I felt so heartbroken and been so distrusting of the Lord's goodness.  For some reason, I can hope confidently on behalf of others, but when it comes to my life, I have a hard time believing that the Lord knows what He's doing.  I've repeatedly presented the Lord with what I see as perfectly good options for my life, but He apparently wants nothing to do with my plans.  I've been the persistent widow.  I've been the watchman on the wall, giving the Lord no rest.  I've been the clenched fist pounding on God's door, demanding that He answer.  And I've been the lame man lying on a mat, watching others jump into the healing pool and waiting, waiting, waiting for my turn.

In the midst of the begging, the watching, the knocking, and the waiting, I have struggled to shelter my heart from the sting of loneliness and longing by staying exhaustingly busy and avoiding all forms of media with any hint of a romantic story line.  This hedge of protection limits me to a frustratingly narrow selection of entertainment at Half Price, Redbox, Netflix, and Pandora.  Even more frustrating is the fact that with these strict parameters place, I am still frequently caught off guard by a ballad that sneaks its way into the Bethany Dillon station and tugs at my heart with a strength that I can't fight.  Let it be known that anything written in 6/8 time is not for the weak.

For the past six months (or maybe more?) I've been the restless changer of channels, in constant pursuit of the lyrics that would finally drive home those truths that can't seem to find their way from my head to my heart.  I prayed over and over again for the Lord to bring me a song that would comfort and encourage and inspire me.  One that would convince me of the Lord's love for me and carry me into a deeper love for Him.  One that would speak hope into my pain.  One that would be a balm to my heart and a praise to the Lord.  I wanted a new song.

Tonight, God gave me exactly what I needed, and in keeping with His "My ways are higher than your ways" nature, He revealed to me that what I needed was quite different from what I wanted.  What I needed was not a new refrain but a remembrance of the choruses that were the soundtrack to my first steps with Him.  I needed to be led back to sleepovers in my friend Sarah's room where the lyrics to "Your Love, Oh Lord" were written in her perfect handwriting on a chalkboard door.  I needed to sit again in the safety of a dimly lit and tightly packed living room where the voices of my friends and classmates sang out "Great is Your Love."  I needed to rest in a sanctuary in Lubbock where the Lord spoke so powerfully to me through the simple lyrics of "Enough."  I needed to hear again the songs that stirred my heart for the Lord when the Lord was new to my heart.

Although I have never felt so heartbroken, I have also never felt so pursued by the Lord.  Tonight's throwback set of 90s worship music was just one testament to the Lord's very specific and personal love for me.  I know that He is fighting for His glory and my joy.  He is rescuing me from the foolishness that I count as wisdom and is demanding that my life be more than the sum of my selfish desires.  He is breaking my heart, but He is not abandoning it.  He is leading me on to run to Him.

Give me one pure and holy passion

Give me one magnificent obsession

Give me one glorious ambition for my life

To know and follow hard after you

To know and follow hard after you

To grow as your disciple in your truth

This world is empty, pale, and poor

Compared to knowing you, my Lord

Lead me on, and I will run after you

Lead me on, and I will run after you

- Pure and Holy Passion

  Mark Altrogge

Taste of Dallas

So, my friend Rachel and I have spent quite a bit of quality time together this weekend.  On Friday, we hit the dance floor at Red River, where I got my two-step fix...followed by my "breakfast for dinner" fix at Cafe Brazil!  I must say, French toast tastes quite divine at two in the morning!  After a few hours of sleep, we navigated the DART and found our way to Fair Park for a little taste of everything Dallas has to offer - chicken, tomato basil salad, crawfish pizza, cheesecake, gelato...and of course, fifteen free rolls of Mentos (as advertised above).  What better thing to hand out at a tasting event than a fresh maker?!  And this morning, after churching, Rachel and I met for an early showing of Safety Not Guaranteed.  It's not exactly kid friendly, but I did laugh out loud a time or twelve, and I may or may not have a less than small crush on Jake Johnson.  Anyhoo...I think you can see from the picture above that my weekend was totally rad.  Thanks, Rach, for some much needed summer fun in the city!

Big Spender

I acquired this today!

And this!

...and I'm pretty sure they had the same price tag.  Here's to beautiful summer days on the water and a free drink for every fifteen "iced tall decaf Americano with soy and extra ice in a grande cup"s!

One of those days...

Have you ever had one of those days when you get some less than awesome news followed by some less than awesome news?  And then a bird poops on your head?

As you might imagine, it is less than awesome...and slightly disgusting.

If you're a praying guy or gal, feel free to send some words up on my behalf.  I need to somehow figure out a way to pay my bills, have insurance, complete my internship requirements, and stay somewhat sane next year.

Gracias from yours truly!

The Spirit and the Letter

During one period of the day, my students have had a very difficult time getting along.  They point fingers at each other and begin so-called "friendly" comments with phrases such as, "Now I'm only going to say this once, so listen, and listen good!"  It's been Tension Island for the past three weeks, so I decided to call a time out and incorporate some team and esteem building activities.  One activity was the Compliment Question Card.  Each student wrote his or her name on the front of a card.  Then, we passed the cards in a circle so that each student had the opportunity to write one compliment and one "what I still want to know about you" question inside all of his or her classmates' cards.  Overall, they did a pretty great job of focusing on the positive and showing an interest in one another's lives.  And one student in particular followed all directions and still managed to break the spirit of the assignment when she wrote, "Kevin, I like it when you're quiet.  How long do you think that will last?"

give and take

All I want is love
I confess to this
And I will take it, Lord
All you have to give

"Give"
Third Day

running in place

I lied to Layla today.  On my way out the door, I told her I wouldn't be long at the gym.  Well, guess what. I was long at the gym.  I was three times as long as I thought I would be.  Two miles turned into six.  It may have been the guy two treadmills down who was pounding out his own record.  Or the guy hovering behind the machines and standing close to mine thinking that because I was the only girl, surely I would be the first to hop off (wrong, dude!).  Or it may have been the thought of the two brownies I ate today.  Whatever it was, it worked.  Yea for surprise victories!

P.S. I kind of can't feel my left leg.  A small price to pay.

My Heart

Thank you, Katie for introducing me to my new favorite website and for always pointing me back to my old favorite love.  Here's to many more nights of good conversation with a pinwheeled princess and a not-so-ballady backup singer.  Love you, cuz!

Losing My Resolve

I haven't made New Year's resolutions since I was in high school because, let's face it, by March 1st I've already failed, and that's just no fun.  Today, my pastor repeated a phrase that he incorporates in A LOT of our sermons: God loves the you that you are now, not some future version of you.  And amen to that, because guess what...if I compare the me I am now to the me I was ten years ago, not a lot has changed, so I can't expect a lot to change in the next ten years.  I'm still going to fall short, lack faith, act unwisely, and choose lesser delights over the joy of pursuing the Lord.  So instead of pretending that I can solve this problem by writing down three personal goals each year until I have a halo floating over me, I think I'll start the new year with a prayer.

God,
You know my heart, and you know how difficult these last few months have been.  I thank you so much for not giving up on me...for not letting me be content with being far from you.  Thank you for redeeming these trials in my life and giving meaning and purpose to my pain.  I pray that you would continue to work in me and to increase my desire for you.  I pray that this year, you would move me to pursue you with everything I have...all of my energy, time, talents, thoughts, words, relationships...everything.  Lord, let me be disciplined and find delight in meeting with you.  Surround me with godly women who can encourage and challenge me to hold you higher than any other person or thing in my life.  Show me opportunities to minister to others, and then give me the boldness and humility to be obedient in those opportunities.  Lord, destroy my selfishness and reveal to me the areas of my life that I refuse to give to you.  Open my hand and remind me that all that I have is a blessing from you; it is not mine to hold.  God, I thank you for your sovereignty, and I pray that as I plead with you for the desires of my heart, you would help me to ask with expectation and with a humble understanding that your ways are not my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts.  Lord, I pray that you would restore hope to me this year, even if my prayers aren't answered in the next 366 days.  God, I thank you for remaining faithful even when I am faithless.  I pray that this year, my eyes would be opened to your faithfulness, and my heart would be captivated by your very personal and deliberate love for me.  Thank you for listening to my prayers, and I pray all of these things in Jesus' name.
Amen.